Gossip Girl Recap: Threes a Crowd

Of course that girl Grace is a brotherfucker!

I’m only surprised I didn’t call this earlier. This is the mess we’re here for, but given Obie’s reaction, I’m not sure if we’ve seen the last of her? Hating Julien for inadvertently uncovering twincest? Your girlfriend’s cheating on you with not one but two people — one of them being her own brother — and you’re mad at Julien? Be serious, Obie. The Chris Pratt cameo should have been the last straw, and yet. While we’re here, it’s also objectively insane to enroll your girlfriend into a new high school without floating the idea by her first — whether she’s cheating or not! The only story I want to stop is Obie’s. He’s glum and gloomy and dull, and I cannot figure out for the life of me why Julien is so hell-bent on getting him back. Though I don’t think her new married love interest is a much better choice. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s take it from the top … or, in Aki’s case, the bottom.

Aki has been hesitating to hook up with Max and Audrey, and they’re noticing. What good is polyamory if one of your partners isn’t even participating? And why be direct when you can be detectives? Our very own schoolgirl Sherlock traipses all over the city, desperate to catch Aki in the act. She and Max spot Aki heading to his GP, picking up PrEP, and then rendezvousing with Rex, sex toys in tow. They attempt to crack his iPhone code, take a stray text and run with it. They conspire to confront Aki at the annual Kiss on the Lips party, but that blows up in their faces. All’s well that ends well, though, and the throuple talks it out over high tea. Aki is simply scared of bottoming and sought out advice from Rex. The PrEP? Because Max Wolfe is Max Wolfe, and Aki claims they haven’t had any conversations surrounding exclusivity. I don’t know how they’ve made it from New Year’s to Valentine’s Day without this issue arising, but sure. Max assures them both that the only people he wants to be with are them. To love!

And because I want to give credit where it’s due, whatever the writers are cooking up when it comes to Aki’s film taste is nothing short of flawless because of course his phone password would be 2046. What’s next, 2049? I also want to see more Max and Audrey shenanigans, even if they come at a cost to the couple, I mean throuple. This buddy-cop routine they’ve got going is almost funnier than the face-ID antics at the spa.

We’re also introduced to another throuple of sorts, featuring none other than Monet’s mommy. Christmas comes early for Kate: Gossip Girl receives a Deux Moi–style DM (anon pls) regarding a possible affair that Greyson de Haan is having, and instead of posting it right away, Kate keeps it for collateral. She stupidly teases the tip to Camille de Haan herself, who puts Kate back in her place and says if the story ever surfaces on Gossip Girl, she’ll know who to blame. Meanwhile, Monet catches on and decides to take matters into her own hands. She sends the most direct of messages to Gossip Girl, asking if the rumors are true and asking for advice on how to proceed. This is randomly believable to me because teenagers are idiots and would follow the guidance of an anonymous gossip account. Monet ends up inviting her pop’s paramour to her Valentine’s Day party in order to expose him once and for all but ends up learning that this lady friend is actually for both her mom and dad. Camille dresses down her daughter again, and it makes me depressed. No wonder Monet has so much hate in her heart.

I have to laugh at Kate’s discovery of the phenomenon that is children modeling their parents’ behaviors. Like, duh. And you’re a teacher? To her credit, she’s also stunned that it’s taken her this long — plus a memo from Mike — to see this pattern. But their Mr. & Mrs. Smith act is almost up: Kate accidentally comes across texts she shouldn’t see that clue her in to the fact that Mr. Niceguy isn’t who he seems and, in fact, is on a mission to unmask and expose Gossip Girl.

I, however, am personally on a mission to unmask and expose child bride Graham Smith. He’s 21, married, and considers a high-school student’s Instagram lives to be appointment viewing. He admits he followed Julien after the debutante ball, which leads me to believe he knows exactly who her dad is. He’s a struggling music-school student. Why wouldn’t he befriend a nepo baby? I bet his wife, if she’s real, is in on it. I see this going south for Julien and imagine her confiding in this character, especially amid all her family drama.

Shan finally cracks and confesses to Zoya the truth about her house. This is after Zoya loses her shit on Shan, saying her family isn’t a playground for Shan’s attention-seeking games. Way harsh, Tai. But, to be honest, Shan bringing up their home’s market value while at the dinner table is a little out of pocket. Imagine asking your friend’s father, “How much does a place like this go for?” Once again, I say be serious! I feel for Shan in this scenario because there’s no solid way out. You are sitting on a bad-boy piece of information that is eating you alive. Telling your best friend the truth about her dad could definitely make matters worse, but keeping it to yourself is killing the friendship anyway. Is it rude of me to say that I bet Nick Lott likes his business getting posted to Gossip Girl because he seems like such a clout chaser? Boy, you’re bought by both Davis and de Haan. You better get used to it.

XOXO

• Best Gossip Girl-ism: Audrey referring to Grace as sweet home Ala-basic.

• Monet channeling mother Blair: “Do I look like Cupid for poors?”

• Monet voicing what the readers at home want and telling Luna, “Say more things.”

• Spotted: Charli XCX. Gay rights.

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